I can't believe it has been a year since my sister Sandra passed away. In many ways it feels like yesterday. The year mark is a date that I have been dreading. It just jars up so many memories. Although I am pretty open on my blog when it comes to showing emotion in person I am very private. Most of my tears about Sandra have been shed on my pillow at night unknown to even my husband. Sometimes it is easier for me to write my feelings out. For some reason we tend to couple grieving with the memory of our loved ones. We feel like if we stop grieving we aren't remembering that person. I have learned over this past year that is not true.
When you lose a loved one it's human nature to think of the last thing that you said to that person. I can't remember what that was. What I do remember is the last memory we had together. A month before she died all of us sisters and sister-in-laws met in Utah to attend Women's conference for my mom's 70th birthday.
May 2008 at Shelly's house - It was Julie's birthday but somehow Sandra ended up in the middle of the picture.
We all stayed all my sister Shelly's house. It was a full house so that night we dibbed where and with whom we were sleeping. Julie is notorious for being a wild sleeper (sorry it's true) so I immediately chose Sandra as the safe bet to share a bed. Little did I know that Sandra had been suffering from insomnia. In fact, there were a couple of warning signs that I guess we should have seen. The blood clot was probably present back then giving her lack of energy and trouble breathing. Hindsight is 20/20.
We were quite the sight that night lying in bed. I had just gotten Lasik surgery the night before and was required to wear what looked like swimming goggles to bed. Sandra was doing quite the circus act with her tossing and turning.
Every hour or so one of us would say to the other, "Are you asleep?"
"No, are you?"
"Nope."
Of course Sandra apologized all night for her tossing. We talked and laughed and probably got only an hour of sleep at best. That's my last memory. I am glad we had that time together.
Today has been a somber day filled with the memories of what took place a year ago. A year ago was a very dark place for me trying to understand why and trying to comprehend what had happened. Today I am at a much better place. Peace has replaced heartache. I have felt her presence at times and can feel her looking down on us from heaven.
I wish I could be with my family as they visit her grave today. My mom said today on the phone that Sandra is probably in heaven with my baby boy that's due soon...probably telling him about the love that awaits him and warning him of the endless energy Austin has. I am grateful for the new compassion that I found from going through this. I miss her. I miss her bright green eyes and infectious laugh. I know I will see her again.
11 comments:
oh that is really sweet, thank you for sharing your feelings. I hope you can always remember everything wonderful about your sweet sister, and knowing you will be together again!
you are in my thoughts and prayers today.
Sweet Christy...love ya. I love your outlook and am grateful for your willingness to share it. I too feel very private with some things too. Oh...what sweet memories of your sister and yes, you will see her again.
That is so special Christy. It's hard to talk about. I am grateful to know we can be with our family members again. I love reading your thoughts. You are an incredible person.
Oh I'm sitting here crying at the computer. Thank you for that post Christy, it was beautiful. How special that you sisters were all able to get together with your mom before Sandra passed. I love the picture - just love it.
You definitely do have a way with words... you put everything so beautifully. It's wonderful to have those angels with us.
THANK YOU for the GOOD cry.... YOu guys are in my prayers! How lucky we are to be together for eternity!
YOu are a great mom and that baby boy is one lucky baby to have you and John as his parents!
I don't know what to say... my eyes are filled with tears, my throat is tight and my heart is full. You are in my heart and my thoughts. Loss is never easy and it is good when you try to pull the positve from your experience and learn. You are the best example of this. Love you
So I finally have access to the internet and wanted to check on your blog to see what you have been up to because I have been thinking about you and missing you... I didn't expect to have tears sitting here at my in-laws table. You are right, you are not good at showing emotion in person but you do a great job of it on your blog! I am sure that is very therapeutic for you and so I'm glad that you don't hold back in that way. We are so blessed to have an eternal perspective to get us through the hard times life throws at us!
Christy I know this is a weird time for me to pop out of the blogstalking closet, but Im so glad I did and was able to read that. I can feel that you have found some peace, and I really do believe that your little boy is with her. I have had a couple of situations in my life where I've felt that same thing. p.s. Im adding you to my blog :)
I actually think that grieving our loved one is the way we show how much we loved them. It is all that is left of them. Our grief. Someday it will lesson and we will feel all the peace and love promised to us.
But for now. I hold onto my grief. It is a representation of my love.
I love you Christy. Thinking about you and your sweet family. Thank you for your thoughts.
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