It's been three years since Sandra passed away.
My mom and I headed to the cemetary in the blazing heat of the afternoon. I hadn't been out there yet. Something I've been dreading. My mom brought some supplies to clean her grave and some fresh roses. Red. Her favorite color.
A man next to us was visiting his parent's grave and was sobbing loudly. In my mom's true fashion she quietly started talking to him and listening to his story, then offered her cleaning supplies and helped him clean his parent's grave while they talked.
Recently, we had a family in our ward here was in a serious car accident. One of their daughters didn't survive the accident. It was heartbreaking. The night I found out I cried myself to sleep. It brought back a lot of memories and feelings of what that tragedy feels like and it was hard to hear of such a good family going through that heartache.
Sometimes I get mad at myself for not being farther along in the healing process. But visiting her grave and feeling peace I realize I'm a little farther than I thought.
I miss her.
2 comments:
June 2nd of this year was the 2nd anniversary of my little sister's death. I also thought I would be further along in my healing. However, over the past 2 years, I have realized that I need to be further along in my GRIEF before I can begin any healing. There is so much public perception/opinion of how quickly you should process the loss or begin to 'heal'. I am learning that every person is different and I don't believe I will ever heal....I am beginning to wonder if I truly WANT to heal. To me, healing would mean moving forward as if there was no loss. Doing so would seem to lighten her memory, or lessen her impact on this world. I think I prefer to walk the rest of my time here on earth with a tiny limp. Much like a scar, still visible, a daily reminder of just how much I am missing in my life. I still find myself at times picking up the phone to share a funny story with her....and, just the other day while checking in with my mom on the phone, I slipped back into my old rountine and asked her if she had heard from Heather. That is still how fresh this grief is to me - still slightly in denial, I can almost convince myself it doesn't exist until I bump the wound and feel a fresh wave of pain. So give yourself time, there is no right or wrong, nobody else can tell you anything about to mourn your loss. After all, it was YOUR SISTER that is gone....your relationship with her was unique and different than anyone else's. Therefore, your path will be different than anyone elses. Be kind and gentle with yourself and your expectations.
-Autumn
autumnh24@yahoo.com
Thanks Autumn,
I feel like you took some of the words from my own mouth. I also feel like moving on is kind of forgetting her. Thanks for your words. Makes me feel better.
Christy
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